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Dec. 20th, 2006 @ 09:18 am Oh I didnt know people still used LJ
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Since my last post... lol. I was so fucking insane at that moment. I'm on mood stabilizers now. Quit laxatives for 4 months. (Been back to taking them a little again). Have not recovered from anorexia. Not cutting or burning at all. But still not leaving my house either. Oh, but I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. So thats whats been wrong with my stomach. All treatment so far has failed. But I see another Dr in Feb. So thats good. Ummm yeh. Things still pretty much such, but I guess I'm a lot better than I was when I wrote those last 2 horrifying posts. But apparently someone read them LOL. Didnt know people still used this. All my blogs are on myspace haha, so yeh I probably look like a freak with only the really nasty posts on here. But ummmm yea. I miss my life. But until I can get my stomach taken care of, there is no life for me. I'm so sick physically, and everything is revolving around that. All my psych issues are being driven by my physical health. So I'm not so well still. But... better I guess. On Lamictal, Klonopin, Neurontin, and Celexa. Ehh, theyre helping keep me halfway sane. But theyre not Botox injections... (The newest and most effective treatment for gastroparesis)

Which is, paralasys of the stomach muscles. I dont digest or move food through my system properly. So I'm still pregnant and in pain, and wanting to throw up constantly. And as for my post and being convetionally bulimic. Haha, no gag reflex. Emetophobia didnt scare me from trying though. It's just... GP. I get so sick, I just want it out. I wish I could be normal, and not care. But I'm not. I have a nervosa disorder, and I just... cant.
Jul. 23rd, 2006 @ 04:16 am (no subject)
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Ok I love this. Being able to say whatever I want. So the 15 laxatives worked. So far, not nearly as harsh as Correctol. Which is what I read about Dulcolax. It's cool. I just really dont want it to end up being TOO easy, because thatll jst enable me. Like I erally do want to get off laxatives. ANd I guess I dont want to be angry really either. I dunno. Like i siad my moods change. But whatever. I dotn want to be completely happy either, thats just gross. Being happy is GROSSER than my shitting fire. Maybe I dunno what I want. Maybe I just want a balance. Of anger and happiness, and sadness. A full on, all around, wheel of everything. And maybe I just want Nickie. ANd maybe I just want Jamie. And maybe I want both of them together. I want my stomach better. I want to forget about that. I dont want to be always angry. I dont to cut again, but I do miss it, naturally, it being an addiction I quit only a few months ago. I know I'm not ready to leave anorexia... ugh, which I hate saying even to myself. I know this though. And I lie to everyone saying I want to recover so bad. I dont yet. I want my stomach better and flat. I want off laxatives. But I'm not ready to leave anorexia. It's just another addiction. One that makes me feel safe. One that makes me feel ok. One that makes me feel... I dont know. I just know that it's a big fat lie to say when my stomach is better, so will my eating disorder. Although I know I'm gonna have to keep it a secret from Jamie. You will still NEVER catch me saying "Ana is life". Ana is bullshit. But I need her for some sick twisted reason...
Jul. 23rd, 2006 @ 01:43 am Dunno?
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Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
I never use this, and neither does anyone else, and nobody reads this. BUUT I really need to vent and since Myspace is fucked up, I'll do it here. It's good nobody reads this since I'm about to be very blunt. Laxatives suck. I am going relaly up and down. Doign well for a week or so, then I take them once and I'm screwed for a little while, taking them often. And then go back to off for about 1.5-2 weeks. So needless to say my stomach hurts like hell. I'm sick of this. Sick of this addiction to laxatives, but also sick of this addiction to killing myself. Like literally, I'm addicted to risking my life. I purposely try to make myself sick from laxatives and starving to the point where I'm close to an ER visit. I make every inch of my body hurt and wait until I absolutely cant stand it anymore before I eat again. My legs were desintegrated the other day it felt like. I know exactly why... it was the muscle deteriorating. My body feeding off my legs. My thighs mostly. And I loved it of course. I loved that it was hard to walk, I loved knowing my thighs would soon be twigs, I loved that when I stood up to go see the blazer my mom bought, and I was so lightheaded I couldnt even see the blazer. She doesnt even wear blazers. I love when my chest hurts, I love when I get out of control palpitations. I lvoe falling on the floor. I pretend that I hate it, I pretend that I hate doing this to myself, but part of me doesnt hate it or I would have stopped. The addiction doesnt just lie in the laxatives. It lies in everything. Starving. The pain, the risk, the draining of my life from my body, the flattness of my stomach, the bones, the numbers dropping. My collar bones popping out of my neck more and more. I only even took them today because my stomach hurt so bad. SO I took 15 Dulcolax. I dunno if that's even gonna be enough. I hope so. I really dont want to go through what I did before. Tuesday is my gastric emptying scan. I just pray that it comes up positive so they can finally put an end to this pain I have, and the hideousness of what I see in the mirror. I really miss.... I fucking miss cutting. Like hell. Shit I'd go back to it if I were miserable enough and/or my scars would fucking fade at least a LITTLE BIT. But they dont. I just really miss stuff. It's pathetic, but I miss... like... ok nobody reads this and I'm being bluntly honest. I miss being angry. I miss being cynical, and I miss being psychotic. In a way that is... not completely. I actually feel weak when I am happy, or half happy, or simply depressed, or just anorexic and scared to be fat. Like I miss being angry, and rageful, and hateful, and fuckin bulimic. Shit I WOULD be the conventional bulimic if I could puke. But really, laxatives and fasting dont cut it after bingeing first of all, and second, the laxatives are killing me... meaning they are too stressful. It's not cool when its to a point where I take them and shit for 24hrs straight, feelng like I have a stomach bug. I'll never be able to get over my emetophobia though. Which is a good thing for everyone else, who wants me to get better, who wants me to live, and be happy. But I sorta dont. Like I said, I feel weak when I'm happy. So I basically almost sabotage myself. I push people away, ruin relationships, cut myself, starve myself, lax myself, you know, the usual. But I am sorta happy right now. I just wonder... if I could get my stmoach fixed, I might be able to be... well... I dunno. Right now, it's like I cant even get out of bed, or move because my stomach hurts so much and because I'm hideous. I want to be hot and angry is what I want. So maybe when my stomach is better I can get out of this blank depression/strive for happniness and go back to hating. Unfortunatly not able to trigger psychosis for myself. Unless I got into drugs that is, but 2 things of unhappiness I truly dont like are panic attacks, which drugs WILL cause, my stomach being huge, and shitting. Sooooo... see when I used to be angry and psychotic, I didnt fucking need friends, or Jamie, or anybody. I had demons, satanic elves, visions of suicide, and razors to get me thorugh agoraphobia. Which is another thing I hate, agoraphobia. I dont like being STUCK in my house 24/7. Not cool. I raelly and exaggerating a lot of this. And it's really just reflecting my current mood which changes every 20 minutes. Anyway, I also didnt have such a severe stomach problem... I mean... I did. But laxatives were easier to handle and the dependancy wasnt as strong. So if I wanted to get rid of what I ate, it was no thang. I'm still waiting. I took them like 3 hours ago and I'm gettign scared that they wont work. Maybe I should down the rest of my correctol and a few ex lax. I dont even know. I hate this. If the doctors dont fix my stomach I'm gonna cut him AND myself. I cant feel this anymore, I cant see it anymore. It's killing me. I just remember..... I fucking remember one specific day last spring. At the apartment, by myself. One minute I was sitting and crying and hating my stomach. The next minute, shit was broken, and thrown all over the apartment, and I was on the floor twitching. Obviously had some sort of rage epsiode trigger specifically by my stomach. It was like... Isabelle Vaudelle's aerial contortion in silk I think. What happened to me. What I probably looked like. Breaking stuff. I'm glad I gained control over that, and I'm glad I still have control over that, even off meds. But I dunno... I just miss being like an angry bulimic cutter who wore tight clothes and left the house, interacted with people, hiding my secrets, scaring the hell out of them. Which at the time, I thought was painful. Now I'm just a depressed anorexic old scar boy who wears baggy clothes and lays in bed crying. This is pain.
Mar. 13th, 2006 @ 04:57 am (no subject)
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A lotta stuff has gone down. I have no idea why I am doing this. It's good. And about my last post lol, I'm seeing a GI, and an Eating disorder specialist. Finally. Ana feeds off of, not food of course, but from pain and self-hate. She's starting to starve to death
Dec. 7th, 2005 @ 04:16 am MUAHAHAH
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Current Mood: sicksick
I was told to update. I have heartburn and I feel huge. HOORAY for the horrors of recovering from laxative abuse.... MIXED with the torturee of Celiac. I need a doctorrrrrr!!!! I'm DYING here!!
Sep. 30th, 2005 @ 12:37 pm BOO
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Just playin around, let me know what you think =P

Sep. 22nd, 2005 @ 11:30 am (no subject)
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Sep. 9th, 2005 @ 10:42 pm The End
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Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: The Cranberries- Liar
And that is the end of that. I've thrown away the things that were supposed to be my help. The things that truly caused my pain. The things that decieved me to no end. I've thrown away the bitter little pills that caused nothing but horror and confusion. I'm finally almost done with them. And I feel myself rising already. I've thrown away the oen that I thought I loved. The one I did love. The one who has changed to a poison. A deception. A delusion. He was a delusion. The FUCKER is fucked now. That sucks. I'm over it. It's time to start over, and I promise, I will do it right this time. I won't fuck shit up again. It seems I've been given a chance to go back in time. Thank you. Time. There is something about time. HAha nobody will get this. Clocks. Time. Such a meaning in my life. Time is what it is. Time is what I am. I am time. And time has given me a 2nd chance. Thank you. For giving me an option other than death. Suicide. Fighting those urges and hopes, so I can live. I next must throw away my shard of glass hidden in a cigarette box. That glass with dripping stains of blood. Self mutilation. My only remedy as of now. Will soon be gone as well. I promise to myself not to tear the skin of my body. Slice in with whatever I can get my hands on. Uncontrolable as of now. But it will change in TIME. I am not worried about it. Because I know that in TIME it will not happen. So for now I will let it go. Let it release. I'm ready to move on. Watch me heal. And that is the end.
Sep. 4th, 2005 @ 08:42 am Au revoir mes amis
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Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: La Nouba- Distorted
My soul has become so caloused with distrust, there are few people I want to think about anymore. Few people's face I want to see, few people's voices I want to hear. And it's very limited to people like me. Who get me. I understand it is difficult to be a friend to someone as sick as I am. Maybe the only way to have the ability to keep going with it is to see it from my side. The only thing that made me give up on one of my ffriends, was when I had a friend who was so out there, she threatened to kill me just about every day. After about 2 years, I did finally let her go. But all I have done was ask for people to see me. I never even want to talk about my problems. I just want someone to help me forget them. If only I could make people understand. If I could, there wouldn't be a problem. I talk to all these people online... who show so much concern and compassion. And when I hear them, I feel them so much. One girl has friends who pull the whole "Oh we're not going out anymore." Next thing you know, they have their away messages on saying they are out. She has the liars. I have the ignorers. I used to have liars as well. Maybe someday... I could be an extra on M*A*S*H!! Or maybe a hooker in something!!
Aug. 15th, 2005 @ 11:47 pm oh man
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agentwebby's LJ stalker is alwayshungry!
alwayshungry is stalking you because you made a nasty comment on their LJ. They are also mentally deranged!

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