Evan

Oh I didnt know people still used LJ

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 13:18:03 GMT

Since my last post... lol. I was so fucking insane at that moment. I'm on mood stabilizers now. Quit laxatives for 4 months. (Been back to taking them a little again). Have not recovered from anorexia. Not cutting or burning at all. But still not leaving my house either. Oh, but I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. So thats whats been wrong with my stomach. All treatment so far has failed. But I see another Dr in Feb. So thats good. Ummm yeh. Things still pretty much such, but I guess I'm a lot better than I was when I wrote those last 2 horrifying posts. But apparently someone read them LOL. Didnt know people still used this. All my blogs are on myspace haha, so yeh I probably look like a freak with only the really nasty posts on here. But ummmm yea. I miss my life. But until I can get my stomach taken care of, there is no life for me. I'm so sick physically, and everything is revolving around that. All my psych issues are being driven by my physical health. So I'm not so well still. But... better I guess. On Lamictal, Klonopin, Neurontin, and Celexa. Ehh, theyre helping keep me halfway sane. But theyre not Botox injections... (The newest and most effective treatment for gastroparesis)

Which is, paralasys of the stomach muscles. I dont digest or move food through my system properly. So I'm still pregnant and in pain, and wanting to throw up constantly. And as for my post and being convetionally bulimic. Haha, no gag reflex. Emetophobia didnt scare me from trying though. It's just... GP. I get so sick, I just want it out. I wish I could be normal, and not care. But I'm not. I have a nervosa disorder, and I just... cant.

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 08:28:18 GMT

Ok I love this. Being able to say whatever I want. So the 15 laxatives worked. So far, not nearly as harsh as Correctol. Which is what I read about Dulcolax. It's cool. I just really dont want it to end up being TOO easy, because thatll jst enable me. Like I erally do want to get off laxatives. ANd I guess I dont want to be angry really either. I dunno. Like i siad my moods change. But whatever. I dotn want to be completely happy either, thats just gross. Being happy is GROSSER than my shitting fire. Maybe I dunno what I want. Maybe I just want a balance. Of anger and happiness, and sadness. A full on, all around, wheel of everything. And maybe I just want Nickie. ANd maybe I just want Jamie. And maybe I want both of them together. I want my stomach better. I want to forget about that. I dont want to be always angry. I dont to cut again, but I do miss it, naturally, it being an addiction I quit only a few months ago. I know I'm not ready to leave anorexia... ugh, which I hate saying even to myself. I know this though. And I lie to everyone saying I want to recover so bad. I dont yet. I want my stomach better and flat. I want off laxatives. But I'm not ready to leave anorexia. It's just another addiction. One that makes me feel safe. One that makes me feel ok. One that makes me feel... I dont know. I just know that it's a big fat lie to say when my stomach is better, so will my eating disorder. Although I know I'm gonna have to keep it a secret from Jamie. You will still NEVER catch me saying "Ana is life". Ana is bullshit. But I need her for some sick twisted reason...

Dunno?

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 06:18:51 GMT

I never use this, and neither does anyone else, and nobody reads this. BUUT I really need to vent and since Myspace is fucked up, I'll do it here. It's good nobody reads this since I'm about to be very blunt. Laxatives suck. I am going relaly up and down. Doign well for a week or so, then I take them once and I'm screwed for a little while, taking them often. And then go back to off for about 1.5-2 weeks. So needless to say my stomach hurts like hell. I'm sick of this. Sick of this addiction to laxatives, but also sick of this addiction to killing myself. Like literally, I'm addicted to risking my life. I purposely try to make myself sick from laxatives and starving to the point where I'm close to an ER visit. I make every inch of my body hurt and wait until I absolutely cant stand it anymore before I eat again. My legs were desintegrated the other day it felt like. I know exactly why... it was the muscle deteriorating. My body feeding off my legs. My thighs mostly. And I loved it of course. I loved that it was hard to walk, I loved knowing my thighs would soon be twigs, I loved that when I stood up to go see the blazer my mom bought, and I was so lightheaded I couldnt even see the blazer. She doesnt even wear blazers. I love when my chest hurts, I love when I get out of control palpitations. I lvoe falling on the floor. I pretend that I hate it, I pretend that I hate doing this to myself, but part of me doesnt hate it or I would have stopped. The addiction doesnt just lie in the laxatives. It lies in everything. Starving. The pain, the risk, the draining of my life from my body, the flattness of my stomach, the bones, the numbers dropping. My collar bones popping out of my neck more and more. I only even took them today because my stomach hurt so bad. SO I took 15 Dulcolax. I dunno if that's even gonna be enough. I hope so. I really dont want to go through what I did before. Tuesday is my gastric emptying scan. I just pray that it comes up positive so they can finally put an end to this pain I have, and the hideousness of what I see in the mirror. I really miss.... I fucking miss cutting. Like hell. Shit I'd go back to it if I were miserable enough and/or my scars would fucking fade at least a LITTLE BIT. But they dont. I just really miss stuff. It's pathetic, but I miss... like... ok nobody reads this and I'm being bluntly honest. I miss being angry. I miss being cynical, and I miss being psychotic. In a way that is... not completely. I actually feel weak when I am happy, or half happy, or simply depressed, or just anorexic and scared to be fat. Like I miss being angry, and rageful, and hateful, and fuckin bulimic. Shit I WOULD be the conventional bulimic if I could puke. But really, laxatives and fasting dont cut it after bingeing first of all, and second, the laxatives are killing me... meaning they are too stressful. It's not cool when its to a point where I take them and shit for 24hrs straight, feelng like I have a stomach bug. I'll never be able to get over my emetophobia though. Which is a good thing for everyone else, who wants me to get better, who wants me to live, and be happy. But I sorta dont. Like I said, I feel weak when I'm happy. So I basically almost sabotage myself. I push people away, ruin relationships, cut myself, starve myself, lax myself, you know, the usual. But I am sorta happy right now. I just wonder... if I could get my stmoach fixed, I might be able to be... well... I dunno. Right now, it's like I cant even get out of bed, or move because my stomach hurts so much and because I'm hideous. I want to be hot and angry is what I want. So maybe when my stomach is better I can get out of this blank depression/strive for happniness and go back to hating. Unfortunatly not able to trigger psychosis for myself. Unless I got into drugs that is, but 2 things of unhappiness I truly dont like are panic attacks, which drugs WILL cause, my stomach being huge, and shitting. Sooooo... see when I used to be angry and psychotic, I didnt fucking need friends, or Jamie, or anybody. I had demons, satanic elves, visions of suicide, and razors to get me thorugh agoraphobia. Which is another thing I hate, agoraphobia. I dont like being STUCK in my house 24/7. Not cool. I raelly and exaggerating a lot of this. And it's really just reflecting my current mood which changes every 20 minutes. Anyway, I also didnt have such a severe stomach problem... I mean... I did. But laxatives were easier to handle and the dependancy wasnt as strong. So if I wanted to get rid of what I ate, it was no thang. I'm still waiting. I took them like 3 hours ago and I'm gettign scared that they wont work. Maybe I should down the rest of my correctol and a few ex lax. I dont even know. I hate this. If the doctors dont fix my stomach I'm gonna cut him AND myself. I cant feel this anymore, I cant see it anymore. It's killing me. I just remember..... I fucking remember one specific day last spring. At the apartment, by myself. One minute I was sitting and crying and hating my stomach. The next minute, shit was broken, and thrown all over the apartment, and I was on the floor twitching. Obviously had some sort of rage epsiode trigger specifically by my stomach. It was like... Isabelle Vaudelle's aerial contortion in silk I think. What happened to me. What I probably looked like. Breaking stuff. I'm glad I gained control over that, and I'm glad I still have control over that, even off meds. But I dunno... I just miss being like an angry bulimic cutter who wore tight clothes and left the house, interacted with people, hiding my secrets, scaring the hell out of them. Which at the time, I thought was painful. Now I'm just a depressed anorexic old scar boy who wears baggy clothes and lays in bed crying. This is pain.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 10:05:03 GMT

A lotta stuff has gone down. I have no idea why I am doing this. It's good. And about my last post lol, I'm seeing a GI, and an Eating disorder specialist. Finally. Ana feeds off of, not food of course, but from pain and self-hate. She's starting to starve to death

MUAHAHAH

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 09:19:38 GMT

I was told to update. I have heartburn and I feel huge. HOORAY for the horrors of recovering from laxative abuse.... MIXED with the torturee of Celiac. I need a doctorrrrrr!!!! I'm DYING here!!

BOO

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 16:43:48 GMT

Just playin around, let me know what you think =P

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 15:30:50 GMT

Pluh

The End

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 02:57:20 GMT

And that is the end of that. I've thrown away the things that were supposed to be my help. The things that truly caused my pain. The things that decieved me to no end. I've thrown away the bitter little pills that caused nothing but horror and confusion. I'm finally almost done with them. And I feel myself rising already. I've thrown away the oen that I thought I loved. The one I did love. The one who has changed to a poison. A deception. A delusion. He was a delusion. The FUCKER is fucked now. That sucks. I'm over it. It's time to start over, and I promise, I will do it right this time. I won't fuck shit up again. It seems I've been given a chance to go back in time. Thank you. Time. There is something about time. HAha nobody will get this. Clocks. Time. Such a meaning in my life. Time is what it is. Time is what I am. I am time. And time has given me a 2nd chance. Thank you. For giving me an option other than death. Suicide. Fighting those urges and hopes, so I can live. I next must throw away my shard of glass hidden in a cigarette box. That glass with dripping stains of blood. Self mutilation. My only remedy as of now. Will soon be gone as well. I promise to myself not to tear the skin of my body. Slice in with whatever I can get my hands on. Uncontrolable as of now. But it will change in TIME. I am not worried about it. Because I know that in TIME it will not happen. So for now I will let it go. Let it release. I'm ready to move on. Watch me heal. And that is the end.

Au revoir mes amis

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 12:50:37 GMT

My soul has become so caloused with distrust, there are few people I want to think about anymore. Few people's face I want to see, few people's voices I want to hear. And it's very limited to people like me. Who get me. I understand it is difficult to be a friend to someone as sick as I am. Maybe the only way to have the ability to keep going with it is to see it from my side. The only thing that made me give up on one of my ffriends, was when I had a friend who was so out there, she threatened to kill me just about every day. After about 2 years, I did finally let her go. But all I have done was ask for people to see me. I never even want to talk about my problems. I just want someone to help me forget them. If only I could make people understand. If I could, there wouldn't be a problem. I talk to all these people online... who show so much concern and compassion. And when I hear them, I feel them so much. One girl has friends who pull the whole "Oh we're not going out anymore." Next thing you know, they have their away messages on saying they are out. She has the liars. I have the ignorers. I used to have liars as well. Maybe someday... I could be an extra on M*A*S*H!! Or maybe a hooker in something!!

oh man

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:47:45 GMT

agentwebby's LJ stalker is alwayshungry!

alwayshungry is stalking you because you made a nasty comment on their LJ. They are also mentally deranged!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

DUDE Jeanette, Lindsays stalking me too!!!

PUSSY

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 04:29:40 GMT

I want to pick of that phone so bad, and dial, and I just can't. I just can't do it. Maybe he will read my mind instead... ernot

I'm Your Baby Tonight

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 05:39:59 GMT

Look VERY close. She didn't get away from me

I found this both horrifying, and uniquely AWESOME. It reminded me of a triple trapeze act so I named them. They're my girls now. Stella, Raquel, Zoey, and Helen (Helen is kinda hiding behind the leaves so she's hard to see) :-)

Goodnight ;-)

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 18:03:30 GMT

Mandy Moore used a Cirque Du Soleil song for the background of Pennies In My Pocket

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 21:13:21 GMT

Sun of a gun I'm 19, and going to the beach :-)

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 04:46:46 GMT

Put a X by the movies you've seen. If you get more than 70, you're a movie whore.

1.()Napoleon Dynamite
2.()Saw
3.()White Noise
4.()White Oleander
5.(X)Anger Management
6.()50 First Dates
7.()Jason X
8.(X)Scream
9.(X)Scream 2
10.(X)Scream 3
11.(X)Scary Movie
12.(X)Scary Movie 2
13.(X)Scary Movie 3
14.(X)American Pie
15.(X)American Pie 2
16.(X)American Wedding
17.(X)Harry Potter
18.(X)Harry Potter 2
19.(X)Harry Potter 3
20.()Resident Evil I
21.()Resident Evil 2
22.(X)The Wedding Singer
23.()Little Black Book
24.(X)The Village
25.()Donnie Darko
26.()Lilo & Stitch
27.()Finding Nemo
28.()Finding Neverland
29.()13 Ghosts
30.()Signs
31.()The Grinch
32.()Texas Chainsaw Massacre
33.()White Chicks
34.()Butterfly Effect
35.()Thirteen going on 30
36.()I, Robot
37.()Dodgeball
38.()Universal Soldier
39.() A Series Of Unfortunate Events
40.() Along Came A Spider
41.()Deep impact
42.() KingPin
43.(X)Never Been Kissed
44.(X)Meet The Parents
45.(X)Meet The Fockers
46.()Eight Crazy Nights
47.()A Cinderella Story
48.()The Terminal
49.(X)The Lizzie McGuire Movie
50.()Passport to Paris
51.(X)Dumb & Dumber
52.()Dumb & Dumberer
53.(X)Final Destination
54.(X)Final Destination 2
55.(X)Halloween
56.(X)The Ring
57.()The Ring 2
58.()Harold & Kumar
59.(X)Practical Magic
60.()Chicago
61.(x)Ghost Ship
62.(X)From Hell
63.()Hellboy
64.()Secret Window
65.()I Am Sam
66.(X)The Whole Nine Yards
67.()The Whole Ten Yards
68.(x)The Day After Tomorrow
69.(x)Child's Play
70.()Bride of Chucky
71.()Ten Things I Hate About You
72.()Just Married
73.(X)Gothika
74.(X)A Nightmare on Elm Street
75.(X)Sixteen Candles
76.()Bad Boys
77.()Bad Boys 2
78.()Joy Ride
79.()Seven (SE7EN)
80.()Oceans Eleven
81.()Oceans Twelve
82.()Identity
83.()Lone Star
84.(X)Bedazzled
85.()Predator I
86.()Predator II
87.(X)Independence Day
88.(X)Cujo
89.()A Bronx Tale
90.()Darkness Falls
91.(x)Christine
92.(X)ET
93.(X)Children of the Corn
94.()My boss' daughter
95.() Maid in Manhattan
96.() Frailty
97.() Best bet
98.() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
99.() She's All That
100.() Calendar Girls
101.() Sideways
102.() Mars Attacks
103.() Event Horizon
104.(X) Ever After
105.(X) Forrest Gump
106.() Big Trouble in Little China
107.() X-men1
108 () X-men2
109.(X) Jeepers Creepers
110.() Jeepers Creepers 2
111.() Catch Me If You Can
112.(X) The Others
113.(X) Freaky Friday
114.() Reign of Fire
115.(X) Cruel Intentions
116.() PI
117.(X) Swimfan
118.() Miracle
119.() Old School
120.() Ray
121.() The Notebook
122.() K-Pax
123.() Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship OF The Ring
124.() Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
125.() Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
126.() A Walk to Remember
127.() Boogeyman
128.() Hitch
129.() Back Door Sluts 9
130.(X) South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
131.() The Fifth Element
132.()Star wars episode I
133.()Star wars episode II
***.() StarWars episode III
134.(X)Star wars episode IV
135.(X)Star wars episode V
136.(X)Star wars episode VI
137.(X)Troop Beverly Hills
138.() Swimming with Sharks
139.(X) Trainspotting
140.() People under the stairs-
141.() Blue Velvet
142.(X) Sound of music
143a.(X) Parent Trap (original)
143b.(X) Parent Trap (remake w/ Lindsay Lohan)
144.() The Burbs
145.() SLC Punk
146.() Meet Joe Black
147.() Wild girls-
148.() A Clockwork Orange
149.() The Order
150.(X) Spiderman
151.() Spiderman 2
152.() Amelie
153.()Mean Girls
154.() Shrek
155.() Shrek 2
156.() The Incredibles
157.() Collateral
158.(X)The Fast & The Furious
159.() 2 Fast 2 Furious
160.(X) Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow
161.() Closer
162.(X) The Sixth Sense
163.(X) Artificial intelligence
164.() Love Actually
165.() Shutter
166.() Ella Enchanted
167.() Princess diaries 1
168.() Princess diaries 2
169.() Constantine
170.() Million Dollar Baby
171.() Life of David Gale
172.() 25th hour
173.(X) Vanilla Sky
174.() Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
175.(X) Boogy Nights
176.() Braveheart
177.() The Anarchist Cook Book
178.() My House In Umbria
179.() Double Jeopardy
180.() Monsters Inc
181.() Life as a House
182.() He loves me he loves me not
183.(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
184.() Boondock Saints
185.() Resoviour Dogs
186.() Kill Billvol.1
187.() Kill Bill Vol. 2
188.(x) The Crow
189.() Animal House
190.(X) Super troopers
191.(X) Batman Begins
192.(X) Batman forever
193.(X) Batman Returns
194.(X) Batman
195.(X) Batman & Robin
196.(X) Back to the Future I
197.(X) Back to the Future II
198.(X) Back to the Future III
199.() The Godfather
200.() The Godfather II
201.() The Godfather III
202.() I heart Huckabees
203.() Mr. & Mrs. Smith
204.() Van Wilder
205.() Old School (i already saw this on an earlier one...)
206.() Anchorman (worst movie ever!)
207.() Empire Records
208.(X) Great Expectations
209.(X) The Mummy
210.(X) The Mummy Returns
211.(X) Indiana Jones
212.(X) Indiana Jones and the temple of doom
213.(X) Indiana Jones and the last crusade
214.(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
215.() Chocolat
216.() Gattaca
217.() Talented Mr. Ripley
218.() The Matrix
219.() Matrix Reloaded
220.() Matrix Revolutions
221.() Phantom of the Opera
222.() Sabrina
223.() Roman Holiday
224.() My Fair Lady
225.(X) The Wizard of OZ
226.() The Wiz
227.(X) Breakfast at tiffany's
228.() Charade
229.(X) Psycho
230.() Vertigo
231.() Rebecca
232.() Father of the Bride
232.() Father of the Bride Part 2

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 03:48:10 GMT

Oh shit here it comes. WHatverrrrrrrrrr

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 22:08:26 GMT

My birthday is tomorrow

HOW BOUT THAT?

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 22:22:53 GMT

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 21:27:45 GMT

By the way, my cat Chopper died ;-( Kidney Failure. He was 18 years old

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 21:08:58 GMT

Well this store meeting tonight should be just about absolutly AGONIZING

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 21:03:35 GMT

Going home soon, so call there. 484-921-4004

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 06:50:18 GMT

Can someone please say "hey wanna hang out?" or show some type of interest in me? I kidna feel like I have no friends. And Zach you seem really distant. I hope its just my paranoia

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 06:01:58 GMT

This is why I would so much rather be bipolar bc a least I get some relief every once in a while even if it is comeptlely abnormal and unhealthy for the manic ups. I dont care its better than being suicidal :-)

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 05:53:17 GMT

Yea thats it. Confused. My mind is being eaten by art. I feel I'm being taken over by my artistic visions and as much as I fucking love it, I just want that to be... it. Nothing else in the world. The world to be whats behind my eyes and nothing more. I dunno how that would work but I would... be in so much bliss can you fucking imagine? Jesus get me on fucking stage I'm starting to lose it. Oh wait I have already. Why do I ahve to be bloated 24/7? I hate fucking pills. I'm not too sure about my emotion right now. Up? Down? I can't even tell. But in good news, reality is just barely in sight again. Just a little bit. Took too much Paxil last night thats why. Oh well. I won't have to get off it alone starting tomorrow so it's ok that I fluked one day with it. Once I am off though, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to the goddamned GSK headquarters which just happens to be 5 minutes from my apt, and I'm committing at least one homocide. Maybe many more if I can. Someone teach me how to make a bomb and I'll blow the fuckers to hell and hope they suffer as much as I do. BITCHES

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 03:23:07 GMT

Jamie is coming home tomorrow. I may be saved. This song makes me want to cry. There's quite a few cirque songs that make me want to cry. But not sad cry, happy cry. Even though I can't understand the lyrics or they have none and its just non word vocals or instrumental, thats what works for me the most. I'm terrible with words, I just feel things. I can't put Cirque shows in words but I understand them completely. Weird how my mind works. Thats through music and through fucking MOVEMENT. Holler